what gives you the right?
WHO GAVE YOU THE FREAKING RIGHT? WHO? TELL ME!!!!!!!
gO TO YOUR ROOM
THIS POST IS NOT OKAY BY ANY MEANS. WHAT THE HELL.
it’s so weird that I am sad because Toy Story 3 doesn’t fit in the photoset
Something was wrong. I could feel it, it was as if something was missing between the 5 of us as we lounged around in the dressing room back stage at possibly the biggest gig of our life. Less than an hour left before we were due to go on stage for the final concert of the take me home tour.
Currently; Liam and Louis are playing the new FIFA on the Xbox at the other end of the room with Zayn cheering them on from behind, Harry was actually lying on my lap trying to sleep before the show and hoping to block out the noise from the other 3 boys and I was having my hair styled by Lou as she hummed along to the loud stereo playing. To any normal person walking in and seeing us how we are at the moment would just seem like a usual routine before a show. But not for the last show of a world tour. Normally we would be buzzing, jumping around, having fruit fights, running away from security all the things people love about our band not sleeping and playing video games.
Sooner or later the door opened once again, this time entered El and Gemma (Louis ‘girlfriend’ and Harry’s sister). Everyone in the band knew both Louis and Harry were gay and had even been in a relationship for the first two years of our careers however after the whole ‘Larry is bullshit’ twitter thing and when Louis accidentally outed Harry to his own sister, things ended in one huge argument. The two boys wouldn’t even speak to each other at first and unfortunately the world began to notice, eventually the two realised that if they wanted one direction to continue they were going to have to communicate and that may or not have been encouraged by Liam and myself as we locked them in a room together till they actually talked like human beings.
Things hadn’t exactly been the best between the two but at least now things are better than before. Although recently arguments have started again, each of them picking at every little thing the other does. Last nights argument was the worse, from down the hall of the hotel you could hear the shouts between Harry and Louis. The insults flying out of Louis mouth about Harry’s media love life were something a bitchy school girl could be proud of and the comebacks from Harry were just the same.
El had immediately walked over to the 3 boys on the Xbox joining Zayn in being a cheerleader. Gemma made her way over to Harry and I shaking him gently to wake him up.
"Oi, lazy bones! Wake up!"
Gently I woke from my light nap, my eyes instantly landing on Gemma. I softly smiled up at her as she sadly smiled in return. She was the only one who knew, knew what I was doing to myself, knew why. She had told me she didn’t understand, when I told her, that she wanted me to stop but I couldn’t. I’d tried in the past, I knew I shouldn’t be doing this but nothing helped. At first I was unsure why she looked so sad, I mean I know things were bad the other night but by this morning everything should seem normal. That is until I saw who had joined the other three across the room.
I know it’s fake, I know it’s not real but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The only people who knew the relationship was no more real than her nails, were the 5 of us, the selected few in management, Paul and Gemma and Lou (considering their the ones I tell everything to now). Everyone else in the room believed that the two were involved just like the rest of the world. It’s like I can never escape from them, even behind closed doors the two are joined to each other.
As Louis won another game, he jumped up in celebration our eyes connecting as he brought El into a hug. Slowly I turned away on Niall’s lap now facing his American flag tank top. I closed my eyes wiling the tears in my eyes not to fall as Niall carefully ran his fingers through my hair trying to calm me down. The last thing we needed right before we went on stage was for me to have a break down.
Once I felt like I had calmed down enough I opened my eyes and began tracing the lines on Niall’s shirt determined not to meet his eyes.
"Have they finished?" I whispered
"Yeah, they’re finished. Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head carefully.
The show seemed to drag by slowly. As if every song, every segment took twice as long as normal. I just wanted to get back to the hotel, my skin was itching to be alone in my hotel room, to feel the addictive substance that has overtaken my life to fall down my throat. That craving I had developed had begun to burn.
When the show finally ended I was the first off stage running straight from my exit to the nearest bathroom. I needed to do something just to keep me sane from the venue to the hotel suite. Slowly I took my watch off of my left wrist and began rubbing, scratching the skin anything I could do to till the skin there was red and raw. It was something that I had started to do whenever I wasn’t alone. The redness and pain was enough for me to focus on rather than the addiction I was really craving.
Gently I placed my watch back onto my wrist looser than before. I then headed towards the waiting van outside the venue with Gemma following me closely behind.
When we stepped into the van all the boys were already waiting there leaving the two back seats next to Niall free for myself and Gems. It meant that I’d have to walk past him and her though as I did so, I tightly gripped onto my left wrist willing my mind to focus on the burn rather than those two. The ride back to the hotel seemed to take forever, everyone else were chatting and still buzzing from the adrenaline of being on stage.
“Hey, you alright?” Niall nudged me lightly, whispering so the others wouldn’t hear. I wanted to tell him, I wanted someone to know what goes through my head. But how could he understand, I mean I told Gemma and she had no idea what to think.
“I’m fine. Just tired that s’all” I lied.
I was seriously getting worried about Harry, ever since I walked into his hotel room last night to find him passed out in a puddle of his own vomit and urine surrounded by empty glass bottles. Although Harry has become this tall man that works out everyday, in that moment of seeing him curled up tightly in a ball looking so vulnerable and small, it reminded me of when we were growing up. It reminded me that he was still my little brother.
I sat in his room for a good couple of hours trying to clean up the mess around him, as well as hiding all the empty bottles and the full ones in the mini fridge. Eventually he came too, barely having time to register who i was, why i was there and what he was doing before he launched himself towards the en suite.
After Harry had finished emptying the entire contents of his stomach, he sheepishly made his way back into the other room, all be it looking rather disgusting and smelling awful.
"You need a shower." I told him grabbing a random tee and some sweats that i don’t think he’s ever worn and throwing them in his direction. "We’ll talk after"
15 minutes went past before harry reemerged from the bathroom to find me sat on his bed waiting for him. I knew things weren’t going great with him lately especially since Louis and El have been playing it big for the media but i didn’t think it was this bad. Cautiously he came and made his way to sit down next to me on the bed.
"Please don’t ever do that again." i interrupted trying to keep my voice even.
"Harry I’m serious! I don’t ever want to walk into a room and see that again." i whispered, my voice failing as he took hold of my hand. "Haz, I thought… I thought you had left me."
Immediately I was embraced by Harry holding me tightly to his chest. “Now you listen to me, I’d never leave you. I promised you, remember? When I left that night 3 years ago that i’d never leave you and i meant it!”
We sat and talked for hours that night before we got to the conversation that we were both dreading.
"Was last night the only night?" i asked scared of the answer.
"Will it be the last?"
"I’d like to think so, but i doubt it. I can’t help it, when i don’t drink it’s like my skin itches to feel the cool glass of the bottle and my throat goes dry when i haven’t drank alcohol for a day. I’m addicted to it."
"Let me help you."
"I don’t know how you can."
"Why do you do it?"
"Him? To forget Louis?"
"I can’t stand to see them together, I still love him. Gem’s I still love him and he doesn’t love me. Its like when i drink i finally forget that i messed it all up and i sit at home staring at the door, waiting for him to walk through it like he used to. Yelling out a new song lyric or some random line from a movie." He sniffed quietly, "I just want to be happy again, Gemma, and i hate that i’m not without him."
That night i refused to leave his side, deciding on staying the whole night by his side. Through every nightmare he had or quick dashed to the bathroom i stayed.
Now I can already sense what he was going to do as soon as he stepped into his own hotel room. If Louis was the only one that could stop harry from hurting himself then that is exactly what was going to happen. Once we got to the hotel Harry immediately made a dash to the entrance followed by Liam, Zayn and of course Louis and El. I managed to hold back Niall in order to talk to him.
"We need to do something about Harry. Will you help me?" I asked Niall, he nodded so fast at first i thought his head would fall off. Once we were in his room i began to explain all about the night before and why i needed his help.———
Once I had told Niall the plan I went to check on Harry. I entered his room preparing myself for what I might be faced with, however this time I found a lump under his covers with occasional soft sniffs coming from it. I stood there a moment thinking maybe he was asleep before he spoke.
“Gem’s, I’m not a child you don’t have to babysit me.”
“hey I’m not babysitting you, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I haven’t touched any if that’s what you’re asking?” There was silent for a few moments as I made my way to sit next to him on the bed. “It hurts. Gemma’s it hurts so bad, and all I want to do is forget all of it. That we ever met, the whole thing and I know it’s a horrible thing to think and even worse to say out loud because if we had never met than one direction would have never happened but it hurts too much Gem’s. Please make it stop, please?”
“how come you didn’t drink anything?”
“because I promised you. When I first walked in I wanted to but I was so ashamed yesterday when you said that you thought you lost me that I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror when I even thought about drinking again.”
“we’re going to fix this, okay? I’m going to help you but there’s something you need to do first and I’m so sorry.”
“what? Sorry for what?”
Just then came the sound I think both Harry and I had been waiting for. Louis. If Harry was going to get any better than the first thing he needed to do was talk with the person who haunted his dreams at night and the memories of his past. And that person was Louis.
“Harry, I know you’re in there! Come on, open up!” Louis fist connected with the door another 3 times.
“Gem’s why is he here?”
“I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so sorry.”
As a bisexual, it sickens me that some people WILL keep scrolling.
As the straight daughter of a gay man, it sickens me that some people will keep scrolling.
As a straight girl with a basic understanding of equality and love, it also sickens me that people will keep scrolling.
As a straight Christian woman, I pray that people will not scroll past this. Love, not judge.
I’m re-reblogging for that last one.